No one is perfect.
But, we live in a perfectly imperfect world. However, it’s still baffling on how we all still incessantly judge and ridicule others, especially those who share their milestones and stories on social media. Sure, it’s easy to browse through every profile, visit and read through blogs – as every information is shared and read, people tend to make a snap judgment about a person’s life.
People tend to assume that they know of everything based on the filtered photos, curated and scheduled content and with a much-designed feed – it’s easy to just jump into the conclusion that they have a picture-perfect life.
This 2020: I’m jumping back in to documenting life lessons in the hopes for us to get to know each other better.
Getting back to how blogging was (think of the ’90s); I’d like to peel back the curtain on my life in a more raw and meaningful way for fellow women, couples and ambitious lifelong learners to relate to. Together, I’d want to share milestones, failures, the highs, and the lows; the in-between, discoveries and as to how life transforms us.
As to kick off a brand new year, I’d like to list a few things I am afraid to tell you. Here goes –
I Have Anxiety Attacks
And, it can terribly be self-destructive which triggers my mild depression.
When I used to get controlled and driven by my emotions, I used to cry day-in and day-out, living in the past and clinging on what was then and the hopes of what might have been. My anxiety attacks back then either keep me within the corners of my cocoon or me completely shut-down and would want to run at the peak of any butte to scream on top of my lungs.
This happened when I lived by my lonesome and thought that I was strong enough and all the excitement of living by myself won’t ever go away. But, as we go through adulthood – challenges happen, and sometimes, we’ve got nothing else to do but to wave the white flag, surrender and admit that we all need help.
When I had my heartbroken, I’ve almost hit a car with a huge rock, took some downers to try not not ‘feel’ anything and have done all sorts of other ways trying to get the emotions out of my system.
But, that’s not how it works. There is a whole lot of process and time involved in healing.
Thankfully, my husband, Raymond, has always been there to help me and I immediately get to remove myself from a situation that may trigger me and by giving me all the hugs that I may need to make me feel better. And, that helps calm me down. But, it’s definitely a challenging mental battle especially when there are circumstances that I can’t resolve.
I have Regrets
As much as I have started investing when I was younger, I wish I could’ve invested more, diversified and focused on passive income or property to have been rented. Although, it’s never too late and having to realize this now is great – still, with the inflation and knowing we’ll be in our late 50’s by the time our (Future) child will be in his or her 20’s; more income streams would’ve been better for us not to worry on sustaining our lifestyle.
And, as much as I regret not getting married early – it’s fine. At least I’m with the right person and there’s no regret with that.
I’ve Attempted Suicide
This is why I haven’t driven for almost 3 years now.
I miserably failed in doing so; driving to the skyway thinking to have myself fall from the skyway or have myself stabbed. Thankfully, having to shift my thoughts into what may possibly be “awful death” I always result in taking deep breaths and talk my way out of it.
I thought I was never good enough, never rich enough, useless and never deserving of anything. That I’m only but a heavy load to carry, unloved.
And, because of the recent Taal Volcano Calamity, I’ve conquered myself through because I had to drive the sponsored car by Toyota Philippines, albeit I had to drive as slow as a turtle.
I’ve lost friends
Living with the promise that Will still visit your funeral even if we aren’t friends anymore and may have a fall-out, I truly believe that there’s a reason in every season and just like how we have outgrown our past relationships and build conflicts with our relatives when we’re all too close-knit, we all change and we all have met because we are exactly where we should be in that timeline.
As much as we try to expect for others to be like you who may just forgive, forget and understand emotional rollercoaster of each other’s lives, not everyone can be you who’ll take things constructively, lovingly within beingness and understand that their opinions and feelings are coming from their own perspective, belief system and emotions from experiences.
But, just as always – friends never leave each other for good, you may miss out on some milestones of your lives but at the end of the day, with gratitude, every day was well spent and honored. My door will always welcome to embrace and willingly continue a story from where we last left off or start anew.
I had to Quit 9-5 For Sleep
Because I used to have a repetitive seizure cycle and never-ending migraines when I was younger up until college. I had to report straight to the library or the clinic for my daily recess and lunch naps just to bank on more sleep, manage a headache and help myself to focus on everyday classes and respond to every test there is in every subject.
Thank heavens for technology, we all get to work within our own terms and get to control how much we can stretch in a day. There’s this sense of fulfillment on having to work with brands and people who value culture, mental health, wellness and progressive growth.
So there you have it – a few things that I’m afraid to share but went ahead and did. Want more of them? I’d love any suggestions for topics you guys would like to read more on.